Have you ever compared yourself with someone else? Do you think you do this often?
If yes - please read on
Before I begin, I have to say comparison with others is a thing I am very guilty of. I have been constantly trying to get over it and it is a work in progress. Just want to put it up front, so everyone who compares with me, knows that there’s no end to it.
Before anything else, the most important thing to know about comparison is that, EVERYONE is prone to it. Everyone compares themselves with someone or the other, everyone feels insecure about some thing, whether it is looks, career, relationships or any other material / non material thing. There are so many things that people can own or be, that it is tough to match all of them. Add on to it, the way we compare doesn’t really help us be rational, so let’s get to it.
While it is normal to compare, it can become a problem and it is important to identify when you reach extremes. Over comparison can stop you from doing things you'd otherwise have done or it starts giving you way too many negative vibes. This is a sign that it needs to be handled. Let’s try to follow the steps below to overcome comparison.
Before we get into the steps of avoiding comparison, have a place where you can write down your thoughts and reflect on them to improve.
First, think of the last time you compared yourself with someone. Generally when we compare, what we do is - we pick a quality & compare ourselves with someone who is the best in that quality. E.g. comparing your hair with the ones you see on social media or comparing class topper's marks with yours. We start with this and then get into a self deprecating cycle of thought and come to the realisation that we are just not good!
BUTTTTT while we are thinking all this, we leave out all the things others are bad at and we're good at.
We don’t even choose one person to compare, but end up comparing with multiple different people. Which makes us miss thing which others are not good at. So when you compare with someone, try to compare more than 1 quality. You might have a better social life than them. (And maybe they're comparing that with you)
The above will help you normalise and not put people on pedestal, sometimes comparing with someone and feeling inferior can bring feelings of hatred or lower confidence in us.
So next time, whenever you're comparing ensure that you separate the 'quality' from the person. Compare in qualities, it will help in taking the next steps.
Step 1: Write down the qualities you are comparing with different people and on the other side of the page also write down the things that you are good at - which you might never compare with someone.
Try to do the above for 1 week or so - when you’ve written enough qualities - you will realise you compare on some aspects a lot than others. We will try to tackle these specific skills / qualities in the steps below.
Step 2: Now that you've identified the 'skill' you're comparing - ask yourself do you really want it?
In reality we all have limited time and energy, so anything new you are going to pick up means you've to trade the some time and energy with something you already do.
Step 3: You’re at a good position now. You know the skill that you're comparing on and know it is important. Next, make a plan to achieve it.
Suppose you love how someone talks in meetings / class. Make a plan on what you need. E.g. you would need the following:
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You need to have the knowledge to speak
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You need to have the confidence to speak
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You need to be attentive to speak.
Work slowly on each of these.
Gain the knowledge by researching or learning more. Gain the confidence by practicing speaking alone or in small groups. Be attentive by making notes in the meeting.
There can be a plan to achieve almost all the things you might be comparing.
Let’s take another example. Suppose you love how fit someone else is. This might be what you need.
- Eat right. Make note of what you’re eating vs what is ideal & make changes
- Workout well. Take out time consistently to stay in shape
- Better lifestyle. Change timings of eating or other habits that can disrupt your health.
And then work on the above consistently.
Almost all of things that we compare and really really want, we can get it. But it will always be a tradeoff with something else. To become fit, you might need to party less. To become better at a language, you might need to watch 1 less series. It is all a matter of how you spend your time.
The other aspect of comparison is that you get negative feelings about the person you're comparing with. It is bad. You get jealous. It is something I have struggled with.
The way I have started to handle it is, if you like something about someone, complement them. If you want to learn what you like, ask them you'd love some help or guidance.
This converts your emotions from being negative to positive and aligns with your growth goals.
Once you do the above your comparison feelings will drop drastically and you'd find it easier to ask for help to grow.
Afterall, that's the aim of life. Grow in things you care about & in the end just compare with yourself.
